BLEACH: Talk Sessions
by CookiesMilkAndANIME
Summary: So it's after the war with Aizen and the Bleach characters are gathered by one 1 author to have talk sessions. With the Gotei 13 as part of your guests, I wonder what they'll talk about . . .One thing's for sure, hilarity will always follow. Read Review
1. Ichigo Needs English Lessons

**A/N:** Helloooo everyoneeee! CookiesMilkAndAnime here with my first story ever, Bleach: Talk Sessions! There's really no plot, just random conversations between the characters in Bleach. But I guess you could say that this story is pure randomness and possibly contains the elements in a crackfic. Meh, who cares what this story is. IT WILL BE A WAY TO SPY ON WHAT THE BLEACH PPL REALLY DO! Muahhahhaha.

Uh, I'm sorry about that. You see, I have this sister . . . and yeah. I will be known as CMAA in this story. Enjoy!

And now I present . . . . .**BLEACH: Talk Sessions- Chapter One, New Gotei 13!**

**Brought to you by: **the SUPER HIYORI WALKER! Keep on . . . walking? IDK . . .

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**CMAA:** Welcome_, mina-san!_ I'm so glad that you decided to join us today. For our first talk session, I brought the captains of the new Gotei 13 and even arranged for a few Zanpakutos to come in later for extra fun. Everyone, I'd like to ask you to be quiet when others are talking. So anyways, Yamamoto-soutaichou, how has Seireitei been since the victory against Aizen?

**Yamamoto:** We have . . _. –long ass pause-_ . . . shipped in some weed for extra money. It helps . . . _–long ass pause-_ . . . calm down many captains in the Gotei 13. For example, Kyoraku-taichou is . . . _–long ass pause-_ . . . no longer-

**CMAA:** OK I'M SORRY I EVEN ASKED! Jii-chan, we don't have all day! It's freakin 12 AM from where I'm typing this! –Face palm- You're just like Chad with that bird, Yuichi Shitbat or something!

**Ichigo, new captain of 5****th**** Division:** Hey, how you get into da Seireitei? I taught you live in one da Glued Together States of America, or something. I don tink they have Senkaimons from where you are. –_He said in English, I might add-_

_**Everyone in the room except for CMAA was shocked at his sudden English outburst. Not many people know English in Soul Society since it is in Japan.**_

**CMAA:** _-twitches slightly in horror- _Glued Together . . . States of America? _-contemplates this for a minute-_ Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! WHAT THE _HELL_ DO THEY TEACH YOU IN SCHOOL? What, does KON take notes for you in class? You have a horrible way of pronouncing English words and your grammar is atrocious! I'm glad you're in Soul Society because if you weren't, I bet you would end up embarrassing yourself in America! And by the way, strawberry, I live in the UNITED States of America! _-Uses AUTHOR POWER to materialize a HUGE mallet and starts hitting him until he's unconscious – _

**Byakuya:** I for one agree with Miss CMAA. As I understand it, English is taught to students in the World of Living to students in middle and high school. That would give you three years of exposure to English at the most considering that you're only 17. I don't see why you still have a problem to even use correct grammar.

**CMAA:** Byakuya . . . You actually understood what he said?

**Byakuya:** Of course I did. English is a required language to learn as a noble. However, there seems to be a lack of explanation as to why it is compulsory.

**Shunsui:** Well obviously it's to make you nobles look cooler and smarter _–No surprise, drunk on sake, but also stoned-_ It can also be, like, a secret language that you can speak to other nobles! You're bye bye ringual!

**CMAA:** Shunsui, you shouldn't talk when you're drunk. It's called bilingual and I should remind you, on Byakuya's behalf, that YOU are from a noble family. Not the top four, but still pretty noble. Wouldn't you know English too?

**Ukitake:** You have a point there Miss CMAA, but you see, Shunsui isn't the best student around. I doubt he even knows one word in your language.

**Shunsui:** NO THAT'S NOT TRUE! I _do_ know a few English words and I'll even use it in a sentence. Urahara taught me it and said that they were one of the nicest compliments you can give a person! Here, here! Listen, CMAA-chan! _–Japanese with learned English mode_- 'Unohana-taichou is such a _dumb slut_ for a woman like herself. And since Ukitake's relationship with Hitsugaya-taichou is so nice, I would've mistaken them for a _master and sex slave_. That just proves that my friend Ukitake would make a wonderful _pedophile. –Keep in mind, he's still drunk-_

_(What Urahara failed to teach: Unohana-taichou is such a beautiful person for a woman like herself. And since Ukitake's relationship with Hitsugaya-taichou is so nice, I would've mistaken them for a father and son. That just proves that my friend Ukitake would make a wonderful parent.)_

**CMAA:** _-spits out her tea on Shunsui- _First Ichigo and now you? Is the weed seriously getting to everyone like that? I-Ichigo, Byakuya, did you understand what he just said?

**Ichigo and Byakuya:** I have never heard those words in my entire life. What did he say?

**CMAA:** _-Looks at Unohana, Ukitake, and Hitsugaya in horror-_

**Unohana, Ukitake, Hitsugaya**: Is something wrong?

CMAA: Uh nope. . . No, no of course not! . . . NO NOTHING'S WRONG! SHUNSUI DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT UNOHANA WAS A DUMB SLUT AND HE DEFINITELY DIDN'T CALL YOU A PEDOPHILE WITH TOSHIRO, UKITAKE-TAICHOU. (_In Japanese this time)_

**Unohana, Ukitake, Toshiro: **What? KYORAKU GET YOUR DRUNK AND STONED ASS OVER HERE!_ –Start chasing Shunsui with drawn Zanpakuto-_

**Shunsui:** -cries- What did I say? Unohana you _are_ a dumb slut (beautiful woman) and Ukitake seems like _such a pedophile_ (such a father) towards little Shiro-chan! _–Jumps out the window-_

**Unohana, Ukitake, Shiro-chan:** He did it again didn't he?

**CMAA:** …Yes.

**Unohana:** COME

**Ukitake:** BACK

**Hitsugaya:** HERE! _–Jump out the window to follow him, Zanpakutos released by now-_

**CMAA:** Hey wait, speaking of Zanpakuto, where the hell are the materializations I asked for, Mayuri? I specifically said to have Zangetsu, Zabimaru, Sode no Shirayuki, and Senbonzakura delivered to the captains' meeting room at 10 AM TODAY! And it is now 4 PM.

**Kurotsuchi:** Nemu was supposed to take care of that, but I can see that she's still a useless creation! She is, what did that drunken captain say again, oh yes: A dumb slut. I will have the Zanpakutos set up for the next chapter, CMAA.

**CMAA:** Damn it! Fine. Oh on another note, where is Kenpachi? I didn't see him when I was materializing into Seireitei.

**Ichigo:** I sent him and Yachiru into Rukongai so he wouldn't challenge me to a fight to the death anymore. They should be lost by now.

**CMAA:** _-face palm-_ IDIOT! They had the best parts planned out! Now the first chapter is all ruined thanks to your fear! You should be very thankful that I didn't kill off your character yet!

**Ichigo:** _-cowers in fear-_ I-I-I'm sorry!

**CMAA:**-satisfied- Good. You stay in that corner and think about what you've done. Now then, Soifon-taichou, would you like to accompany me to the real world to have a 'talk' with Urahara-san? Komamura-taichou, Renji, Neliel, you can come along too.

**Soifon:** Of course I would like to come along. I'm sure Yoruichi-sama will be there and I will rescue her from that monster's grasp! _–Grabs sword and takes a princely stance-_

_-Everyone backs away . . . slowly-  
_

**Komamura:** Please do not take this the wrong way but I'd like to stay here, Miss CMAA. There is some work that needs to be finished in my division's barracks and I am needed to oversee it. But, can you please ask Miss Orihime for another comb for me? It seems that it has disappeared along with my lieutenant this morning.

**CMAA: **Will do, sir.

**Renji, new captain of 9****th**** Division: **Sure, why not. Haven't been to Karakura Town for a while now but the minute they call me Free-Loader-_san,_ I'm heading back.

**Neliel, new captain of 3****rd****:** I'd be delighted to. I've never actually seen what the World of Living looks like! This is going to be so much fun!

**CMAA:** Yoshi, let's go then! Neliel, can you open a Garganta to Karakura Town? From what I've heard, it's faster than a Senkaimon. We'll beat some, I mean talk some, sense into Urahara and we can go shopping with Yoruichi-_san._

**Neliel:** The Garganta's already opened and ready.

**Soifon:** Oh Yoruichi-sama . . . _–Umm we'll just call it 'fantasies'-_

**CMAA:** What did I get myself into when I signed a contract to host this story? _-grabs Renji, Neliel and a dazed Soifon into the Garganta- _

Mina-san! We encourage you to join us again for chapter two: The Zanpakutos. Our guests for tomorrow will be Sode no Shirayuki, Senbonzakura, Zangetsu, Zabimaru, and Shirosaki! Until next time my dear readers, mata ne!"

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**A/N: So what did you think? You can be a character in here too if you tell me a name and a few things you should do with the characters during Talk Session. (Remember, our rating is T because of Shunsui's dirty language and Kon's appearance in the next few chapters!) Tell me if this script mode bothers you or not and if I should have less of my character.**

**Umm… what else . . . OH RIGHT. Constructive criticism is taken, FLAMES are not. Also, send in some topics that you want our lovely Bleach characters to cover during a session. Today's Talk Session was: Language.**


	2. Zanpakutos Need To Date Too!

**A/N: What's up minna-san? I am so, so, so, so sorry for not updating but now I present to you . . . **BLEACH: Talk Sessions-Chapter Two:** Zanpakutos Need To Date too!**

Hosted by:** Yumi Shuurai with the Zanpakutos as guests!**

**Yumi Shuurai: A simple happy and hyper girl who is pretty used to craziness. (Something you need if you want to be a host!) She gets depressed sometimes, but these times are very rare. She's my new assistant now! Enjoy!

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**Yumi: **Minna-san, gomen nasai but CMAA-sama is currently out shopping with Rangiku-san and will be unable to host this chapter. As a temporary replacement, she has hired me to do it. _–bows-_ I am very honored and will do my best!_ –smiles but it's not creepy like Gin's-_

**Gin:** Hey I happen to think my smile is beautiful! I'm spreading the sign of happiness across the world!

**Yumi:** W-What are you doing here? I thought you were dead. Didn't Aizen kill you off for betraying him?

**Gin:** I was given a ten second appearance in this fanfic and now my time is up. Baiii baiiii! _–curtain falls down as he waves-_

**Yumi:** What was that about . . .? Never mind that, minna-san, the official chapter script is being written right now but please join us for this chapter! In other words, we haven't started filming yet but let's see how our guests are doing before the show! _–grabs your hand and pulls you along-

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_

**Yumi:** _-standing outside of the Talk Session Room- _Currently, we only have Zangetsu and Shirosaki-kun but the others are on their way. _–Opens door and walks in-

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_

**Zangetsu: **Ah Yumi-san, you're here. Shirosaki and I were beginning to worry that CMAA-sama canceled your contract.

**Shirosaki:** I DID NOT! I don't even wanna fucking be here.

**Yumi:** _-smiles-_ Thank you for being concerned but I was just talking to a few people. CMAA-sama has already promised me a spot as host for three full chapters and an appearance in the rest. Besides, she'll pretty much forget everything when she goes out shopping.

Shirosaki: Oi, don't ignore me you bubbly little-

**Zangetsu:** Ah, how true, how true. -_hits Shiro to get him to shut up-_ You must excuse Shirosaki's rude behavior. He's in a bad mood ever since the Winter War ended.

**Shirosaki:** There's no one to cut down! That fighting obsessed guy wants a rematch with King but the stupid idiot refuses! He fucking refuses! Damn it, I should be Kenpachi's power! At least we think alike, unlike 'my' stupid lovesick fool of a King. And I don't even know why I'm here! I'm not a damn Zanpakuto!

**Zangetsu:** It is not my fault that CMAA-sama wishes for you to be here but I should remind you that her word is law. Refuse to follow it and she will kill you off.

**Shirosaki:** I don't care! The little short bitch isn't even paying me that well anyways! I'm getting out of here before Pink Petals gets here with Ice Bitch. –_starts to walk to the door-_

**Yumi:** _-cell phone starts ringing- _Moshi moshi? - Oh CMAA-sama. - Uh, hai, Shirosaki-kun is here with me. - Hai, I understand. Shirosaki-kun, CMAA-sama wishes to talk to you. _–hands Shirosaki the phone-_

**Shirosaki:** _-grabs phone-_ The hell do you want, bitch? –after a minute of CMAA speaking- I-I understand, ma'am. Yes, of course I'll stay. Just please, please, please don't say anything to ANYONE. - Bye. Here_. –hands the phone back and sits down, paler than before-_

**Zangetsu: **_-to Yumi- _What did CMAA-sama say to him? He's practically paralyzed in shock.

**Yumi:** Who knows? She probably threatened him with something important or he might be cussing her out right now. CMAA-sama is always a devious one. _-knock on door-_ Is that our other guests? Come in!

**Senbonzakura:** _-bursts through the door with a cloud of smoke-_ I sensed a slight misfortune over Shirosaki and just had to come quickly.

**Sode no Shirayuki:** Aww, Zakura, don't be so hard on him. Yumi-san, sorry for being so late.

**Yumi:** Oh no it's quite alright. We haven't started-

**Zangetsu:** -_pushes Yumi away-_ My love! How lovely you look today! _–Kisses Shirayuki on the cheek-_

**Senbonzakura:** _-Punches Zangetsu to the ground_- Look here you little melee sword. If you ever do anything to hurt Shirayuki, my master and I will make your life a living hell with-

**Zangetsu:** Those gay little petals? Please, I could Getsuga Tensho them away in a heartbeat.

**Senbonzakura:** I'M NOT GAY!

**Zangetsu:** Never said you were. I only said that your petals were gay but if you have something to confess, now is the perfect time for it.

**Senbonzakura:** You cocky bastard! You think you're all that ever since your Ryoka master killed Aizen! My blade would've been the one to taste his blood if not for the fact that I was busy subduing his motions. I swear I'll kill your reckless master if it proves how superior my master and I are to you!

**Zangetsu:** AT LEAST MY MASTER GET DA ACTION IN DUH BED! _–insert Asian accent- _From what I've heard, Byakuya hasn't had another woman around for decades since Hisana. And . . . Tell me if I'm wrong but did I hear you but some extra stress on the world 'cocky'? Don't tell me that 'you suck the egg roll big time, PLAYBOY.' You like to do da back door, Zakura, hmmm? _–insert Asian accent, again-MYCHONNY FTW! Go look him up on YouTube-_

**Yumi: **Aiya, we're not even filming yet and there's already so much going on…-_depressed- _CMAA-sama and Director-san won't be very happy with the results.

**Senbonzakura:** _-WTF moment-_ I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH! I don't give two shits if your master has a damn statue dedicated to him, I WILL CUT YOU INTO SUSHI IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE YOU-

**Shirosaki:** _-glomps Zakura-_ SHUT UP YOU GAY FAIRY! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU OLD MAN! DAMMIT YOU MADE ME STAY HERE SO WHY CAN'T YOU AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME FUCKING PEACE! And you_! –points at Yumi-_ I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHO MAKES THE RULES AROUND HERE BUT YOU'RE THE HOST SO I SWEAR I WILL CUT _YOU _INTO SUSHI IF THAT ENDS THIS ENDLESS, FUCKING CRAZINESS!

**Zangetsu:** Yumi-san, please ignore this irritated Hollow. He's just annoyed that his new method of getting girls doesn't work.

**Yumi:** . . . . What?

**Zangetsu:** Hollows can get lonely sometimes and they need to get some action too so Shirosaki here said to-

**Shirosaki:** SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! _–still fighting- _I WILL GO INTO HOLLOW FORM 2 IF I HAVE TO!

**Yumi:** Um . . . I . . . never mind! _-walks away and sits down next to Shirayuki, who pours her some tea-_ Thank you. I . . . don't usually say things like this to those who I am familiar with but it's so unavoidable in this situation. _–sigh-_ Those poor, stupid idiots.

**Sode no Shirayuki:** Yes, what idiots they are. But, you can't help who you love. _–dreamy lover look-_

**Yumi:** Weren't you two just forced to be together because Kurosaki-san and Kuchiki-san are married?

**Sode no Shirayuki:** Not exactly. Our relationship started when we met for the first time. I believe it was when Rukia-sama and Renji-san joined Ichigo-sama and his comrades in Hueco Mundo to rescue Inoue-san. When we saw how people kept getting in the way of their relationship growing-

**Yumi:** You both materialized out of your inner worlds and did everything you could to hook them up.

**Sode no Shirayuki:** Correct. It was pretty tedious but we eventually explained to Inoue-san the difference between understanding and admiration. The poor girl was just looking for someone to fit the image of a prince and was blinded when she saw him rescue Rukia-sama.

**Yumi:** I must say, you guys are a pretty good matchmaking team. You got them together in less than a month! Maybe you should try something with Shirosaki. Zangetsu is probably right, Hollows do get lonely sometimes.

**Sode no Shirayuki:** Oh that's my next project. Zangetsu and I are thinking about getting Shirosaki with Saru, the female monkey from Renji-san's Zanpakuto, Zabimaru. In fact, we've already contacted her!

**Shirosaki:** _-pales, well if it's possible since he's SHIROsaki- _N-N-No, Zangetsu tell me that's not TRUE! Please, please, please say this is a joke for April Fool's Day that's five months late!

**Zangetsu:** _-smirks-_ Well you see, when we contacted her last week, she said she'd be delighted to go on a date with you. Shirayuki and I have already purchased you some tickets to the new play at Seireitei Theater, The Vizard Tales!

**Shirosaki**: -_chokes-_ Fuck . . . you . . . . –faints

**Yumi:** AH! We can't have a guest collapse like that! He needs medical attention! _–drags Shiro-kun somewhere-_

**-Ending Notes-**

**Director: **_-cell phone rings-_ Moshi moshi? - Oh Cookie-chan, how's the shopping going? We haven't started filming yet if that's what you're wondering. - HUH? You're at Disneyworld with Rangiku-chan? - Oooh . . . I didn't realize she liked wearing Mickey Mouse apparel. Seriously, if you look closely enough, one of her boobs is bigger than one Mickey ear. - RANGIKU-CHAN SUFFOCATED PRINCE CHARMING WITH HER BOOBS AT MAGIC KINGDOM? Is he okay? - OMG that's good to know. I've always wondered this but are there any Hollows at Disney? - I suppose that's for the best. You wouldn't want bad spirits at the 'happiest place on earth'. - OWWW! WTF DID YOU SCREAM FOR? - Ulquiorra is being used as a lighter for the fireworks? . . .BWAHAHHAHAHAH! But wait, I thought you killed him off already. - Oh you're lending him to Disney for a few weeks? I see. They think his Cero is the prettiest shade out of the Espada…

**Yumi:** _-knock, knock- _Director-san, Shirosaki-kun just passed out in the Talk Session room.

**Director:** Gomen nasai, Cookie-chan, I'm afraid I'll have to cut our conversation short. One of our characters isn't feeling too well and just collapsed. - Don't forget to buy me some souvenirs! - OK I GET IT, UR BROKE! I'll pay. - Baiibaiii!_ –ends conversation and puts phone away- _Yumi-chan, just put Shiro-kun on that bed over there.

**Yumi:** H-Hai. –throws Shirosaki onto the air mattress- Shall I call Unohana-taichou? He seemed awfully angry when he collapsed. Maybe he needs some calming pills.

**Director:** Ahh…No. Shirosaki/Senbonzakura/Zangetsu fights should draw in a lot of positive reviews. It might be good enough to do the third chapter with the former Ryoka!

**Yumi:** B-But, we haven't filmed today!

**Director**: Oh but we did! Instead of making you guys talk knowing that you were being filmed, I installed some hidden cameras in the Talk Room for a more natural conversation. I figured there would be more action if you guys didn't have to follow a script.

**Yumi:** But Zabimaru didn't even make it to the Talk Room! CMAA-sama said that we're supposed to have four Zanpakutos and Shirosaki for today's episode. And more importantly, we didn't even cover the daily topic, dating!

**Director:** I know that but Cookie-chan won't mind it if I buy her the last few volumes in Fruits Basket. Manga is always the key to making her happy. And you technically did cover the topic with Shiro-kun and Saru but I suppose we can always transfer topics over to next week. –_turns to viewers-_ Minna-san, arigato gozaimasu for joining us today on BLEACH: Talk Sessions! Gomen nasai for this late note but Cookie-chan (CMAA-sama) updates every Saturday now!

**Shirosaki:** Must . . . kill . . . Zangetsu.

**Yumi: _-_**_Drugs Shirosaki to fall asleep- _Minna-san, CMAA-sama wishes you to join us next Saturday for Chapter 3: The Ryoka Talk Dating where I'll be the host again! Our guests will include Ishida Uryu, Inoue Orihime, Sado Yasutora, and Yamada Hanatarou!

**Director and Yumi:** Baiii baiiii!

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**Saru:** YOU IDIOT! I KNEW WE MISSED THE FLIGHT OUT TO THE TALK ROOM! It's your fault for staying in longer to play video games! Now CMAA-sama won't give us another appearance for another four chapters!

**Hebi:** Urusai. You were the one writing a love poem to that Shirosaki kid.

**Saru:** -_glomps Hebi-_ I was writing your will you little brat! _–Err, angry red fire background with a blown up picture of her head?- _Renji and I will be fine without you so I'll just-

**CMAA_:_**_ -Uses epic author magic to trap Zabimaru in a glass box-_ Gomen nasai for the behavior of these two! I actually was in Disneyworld for the last week and now I'm back and ready for school! Shocking right? Haha no . . . Only with friends from school do you get this kind of crazy life.

**Yumi:** There you are CMAA-sama, I've been looking all over for you to ask this.

**CMAA:** What is it?

**Yumi:** What did you threaten Shirosaki-kun with? He was paralyzed after that but when Zabimaru was brought up, he passed out.

**CMAA:** Hmm? Oh I just threatened to tell everyone that he drunkenly fucked Haineko before.

**Yumi:** -_chokes-_ WHAT?

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**A/N: **Soo what did you think? You want the next chapter to be a continuation of the Zanpakutos or do you want the Ryoka to cover dating instead? By the way, my pairings are set and NO ONE CAN CHANGE IT! **  
**

**Pairings that I follow like LAW: Ichigo/Rukia, **Ulquiorra/Orihime, Ishida/Orihime, Renji/Tatsuki, Urahara/Yoruichi, Shunsui/Nanao, Hitsugaya/Karin, Hitsugaya/Hinamori, Gin/Rangiku, Jinta/Yuzu, Byakuya/Hisana, uhh I think that's it… **HELL NO that I think Shirosaki/Zabimaru is a couple! That's just some comedy that Shirayuki and Zangetsu insisted on putting in to get rid of Shirosaki-kun!**

**Last thing: **GOMEN NASAI, GOMEN NASAI, GOMEN NASAI! I can't update until September 12 because I'm grounded after today! I know that's a long time but I'M SORRY! I'll try to sneak a chapter but if you have my parents, that's practically suicide! I'm REALLY SORRY!


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